Wednesday, October 10, 2007

My time disappeared

Although my life is much less hectic than it was a year ago, I still seem to have every hour filled. The only reason I'm writing this now is because I'm waiting for someone to show up for a meeting. I think that's not going to happen and I have another meeting in 1/2 hour. Yesterday, I had exactly 2.5 non-meeting work hours. Today, I only have 2 hours. When I get home, I collapse. My TMJ is back again after being pretty much fine for months. It was still there, but not painful. Now it's painful again. It hurts to eat.

In addition to having little time at work to do actual work, I have work-related, but not exactly work specific deadlines looming. These are good things--articles, book chapters, presentations--all related to my work, but which I have no time to work on at work. Those non-meeting work hours get eaten up with email and phone calls and people stopping by to ask questions. I'm unsure if any amount of extra efficiency would really help me here. I just need more hours in a day.

Tomorrow after work, I'm going to have a massage. I don't feel that stressed despite the work load, but I know that's why the TMJ has returned. I just can't seem to relax on my own. No amount of deep breathing or bad reality tv is helping. I need someone else to help me let go.

The kind of frustrating thing about all of this is I'm in a moment where I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels instead of moving forward and that's driving me crazy. I have motivation, but no momentum. I just wish I could feel like I was on top of everything, just for a little while.