Sunday, October 30, 2005


I have been in a weird state of mind for a couple of months now. It's not depressed exactly. It's kind of anxious, frustrated. It's almost anticipatory. I don't know. And I know even less why I feel the need to share this with the internets, except that it might make me feel better to do so.

I have always been overly analytical. My first boyfriend in college chastised me for this once, saying, "Can't you do or say anything without analyzing it?" Um, no, not really. I know it drives people crazy, most of all, me. I do sometimes wish I could just experience life without thinking about it. And there are fleeting moments when that happens, but they're pretty short.

Anyway, I think there are a lot of global and local factors feeding into my current state. I am honestly deeply disturbed by what is going on with our administration. If you think back to this time last year, we were all anticipating the election, hoping beyond all hope that we'd see a change of leadership. I keep wondering what else they're hiding. I feel beaten down by their policies. I feel hopeless about the future. I worry about my children's future. Seriously. Though I try desperately to put thoughts about peak oil, global warming, and avian bird flu away where I can't see them, I still find that they're there, nagging at me. And I feel that the administration is only making those things worse.

Slightly more locally, my department is going through some difficult times. Most of it doesn't affect me directly, but I still feel unnerved by it. I'm just feeling very uncertain about the direction we're headed. That's all I can say about that.

Even more locally, as I indicated yesterday, I'm kind of feeling the need to runaway. It's not that there's anything wrong. I just feel kind of overwhelmed by my responsibilities as wife and mom. Sometimes it just sucks to be the one who keeps track of the house and kids. Even if I don't do the laundry or the dishes, I still feel like I'm the one thinking, "The laundry needs to be done" and no one else is. I'm not sure how to deal with this. I thought the GTD thing would be good, but it's going to take months for that process to be complete on a household level. In the meantime, it's one step forward, two steps back. Geeky Girl, at least, has taken to putting her paperwork from school in my inbox--which is just too darned cute. But still, I don't know how you organize things on the one hand and do basic upkeep on the other. It's not like I want the perfectly clean house, but I'm holding all this stuff in my head--the clothes, the clutter on the table, everything--and that's not a good thing.

I'm holding out for the holidays, I guess. Can I hire a therapist and just give them the url for my blog? That seems more expedient right now.